I don't want to look back. Maybe, because it has helped to shape the me.
I realized I love and appreciate my family even more. Although time spend with family is not much, but I know I love my family and relatives more.
Friends walk in and leave their foot prints, and leave. Whether is good or bad. I believe God had it on purpose. I used to care every single things(feelings) around. I used to get upset whenever people I love and care felt upset. All I care is to make them happy.
But not now, yes, I would thought about it and I move on. Simply because I am making myself feel miserable.
After a camp with my fellow Christians. I think somehow God answered my unprayed prayer.
-I never pray about my feeling to Him. Simply because I think He fails me.
So here it goes,
I went to T.H.E. camp organised by UM PKV. When I first got a forms from a friend of mine, asking me to join this camp. My mind was like, do I really need this? bla bla bla
On second thought, why not, since I have nothing better to do. So here I went to this camp.
I totally do not enjoy the camp at all, I tried spend time with God, I tried to pray. Nothing make me feel better. So i went home feeling just the same.
Then new semester starts, my most important sem of all, it is the time to choose either become a recitalist or to write an thesis. Obviously, I want to be become recitalist, not because I like to play the piano that much, it is because I dislike writing a thesis more.
Time goes by and I did not touch the piano much. I always went out to do something to make me happy.
Sitting to play on the piano is a big NO for me at that time. I do not have the urge to sit and practice all day long.
Well, when the recital hearing audition day arrived. I waited outside the audition room anxiously. I couldn't concentrate and it feels like hell for me.
And the worst things is, I cried throughout the whole damn audition.
Obviously, I screwed the damn audition.
So end of it, I failed the hearing. And I have to do my stupid thesis.
At that time, I am always angry with everyone. I am always sad. I see things very negatively.
I had sleepless night, thinking of I can do better if none of the unhappy thing happens.
I even woke up in the middle of the night, and cry myself to sleep.
And I hide things to myself.
As time goes by, I still have to move my right. (and this is what people been telling me, Carey, just move on and never look back) And it is all bullshit to me, how can I ever erase that and move on. Feelings is something you can's see.
Well, I know this is the only thing they can say to me. People I really do you all care for me and I appreciate that. Thanks people.
At some point, I used to get myself to drunk and sleep. Sound freaking stupid right? Ya, I know. I have nothing better to do I know.
Another stage I went to is thinking of dropping out school and start a new life. Simply because I don't see any reason why should do music. I am not talented and I to deal with people more. Haha~
Well, less than a year to go. So just do it.
So, another camp organised by PKV is here this month. And same feelings came again.
But I had the best moment for all this while. God had answered my unprayed prayer. I totally can spend time with God. Alone for him. And only had feeling for Him.
I feel so much lighter. And I think I had my life back. For real.
All songs for me now is just pleasant music. whether it is happy or sad love songs would not affect my feelings nor mood.
I can now totally enjoy the awesome music, rhythm, arrangement and all.
How I wish I can paint them down.
Oh ya, I had my birthday with my fella campers in Cameron. It was a pleasant surprise for me. Because they suddenly off the light tricking all the campers that there is a slide show. Turn out some one came out holding a green birthday cake, singing birthday songs to me. I nearly cried, holding back my tears real hard. The reason is of course I feel touched and another one is, I had a worst 21st birthday last year.
But anywhere, I felt happy because everyone and God is blessing me and there for me.
Love you all. I appreciate everything you all did for me.
I learned and gained during the camp.
God definitely never left me endure with all this awful experiences without any plans.
His timing is unpredictable. And I am definitely stronger now. I would say, I have a strong metal steel armor with me.
My broken heart is back with plasters on.
For the first time for a long time, I see rainbow.
For the first time for a long time, I smile, from heart.
I wish it is here for long.