3 years

looking some old photos, sweet and bitter, 3 years has passed. entering a new whole phrase of life now. People around me has changed. Some stay, some leave.
All i ask > does time machine can perform the magic that bring back memories?

Untold Thought

grasping for air. Hell no. Not now. Not anymore. How I wish I can stay how i feel now.

I don't want to look back. Maybe, because it has helped to shape the me.

I realized I love and appreciate my family even more. Although time spend with family is not much, but I know I love my family and relatives more. 

Friends walk in and leave their foot prints, and leave. Whether is good or bad. I believe God had it on purpose. I used to care every single things(feelings) around. I used to get upset whenever people I love and care felt upset. All I care is to make them happy. 

But not now, yes, I would thought about it and I move on. Simply because I am making myself feel miserable.

After a camp with my fellow Christians. I think somehow God answered my unprayed prayer. 

-I never pray about my feeling to Him. Simply because I think He fails me.

So here it goes, 

I went to T.H.E. camp organised by UM PKV. When I first got a forms from a friend of mine, asking me to join this camp. My mind was like, do I really need this? bla bla bla

On second thought, why not, since I have nothing better to do. So here I went to this camp.

I totally do not enjoy the camp at all, I tried spend time with God, I tried to pray. Nothing make me feel better. So i went home feeling just the same.

Then new semester starts, my most important sem of all, it is the time to choose either become a recitalist or to write an thesis. Obviously, I want to be become recitalist, not because I like to play the piano that much, it is because I dislike writing a thesis more. 

Time goes by and I did not touch the piano much. I always went out to do something to make me happy. 

Sitting to play on the piano is a big NO for me at that time. I do not have the urge to sit and practice all day long. 

Well, when the recital hearing audition day arrived. I waited outside the audition room anxiously. I couldn't concentrate and it feels like hell for me. 

And the worst things is, I cried throughout the whole damn audition. 

Obviously, I screwed the damn audition.

So end of it, I failed the hearing. And I have to do my stupid thesis.

At that time, I am always angry with everyone. I am always sad. I see things very negatively. 

I had sleepless night, thinking of I can do better if none of the unhappy thing happens.

I even woke up in the middle of the night, and cry myself to sleep.

And I hide things to myself. 

As time goes by, I still have to move my right. (and this is what people been telling me, Carey, just move on and never look back) And it is all bullshit to me, how can I ever erase that and move on. Feelings is something you can's see. 

Well, I know this is the only thing they can say to me. People I really do you all care for me and I appreciate that. Thanks people.

At some point, I used to get myself to drunk and sleep. Sound freaking stupid right? Ya, I know. I have nothing better to do I know. 

Another stage I went to is thinking of dropping out school and start a new life. Simply because I don't see any reason why should do music. I am not talented and I to deal with people more. Haha~

Well, less than a year to go. So just do it.

So, another camp organised by PKV is here this month. And same feelings came again.

But I had the best moment for all this while. God had answered my unprayed prayer. I totally can spend time with God. Alone for him. And only had feeling for Him. 

I feel so much lighter. And I think I had my life back. For real.

All songs for me now is just pleasant music. whether it is happy or sad love songs would not affect my feelings nor mood.

I can now totally enjoy the awesome music, rhythm, arrangement and all.

How I wish I can paint them down.

Oh ya, I had my birthday with my fella campers in Cameron. It was a pleasant surprise for me. Because they suddenly off the light tricking all the campers that there is a slide show. Turn out some one came out holding a green birthday cake, singing birthday songs to me. I nearly cried, holding back my tears real hard.  The reason is of course I feel touched and another one is, I had a worst 21st birthday last year.

But anywhere, I felt happy because everyone and God is blessing me and there for me. 

Love you all. I appreciate everything you all did for me.

I learned and gained during the camp.

God definitely never left me endure with all this awful experiences without any plans. 

His timing is unpredictable. And I am definitely stronger now. I would say, I have a strong metal steel armor with me. 

My broken heart is back with plasters on. 

For the first time for a long time, I see rainbow.

For the first time for a long time, I smile, from heart.

I wish it is here for long.

my busiest week for the semester.

It's week 14 for my 3rd year 1st semester, which is also my final week.

most my exams are jammed all in this week and most of all, UM swimming competition is here once more. I know I'm not a state swimmer nor a national swimmer. But having two medals in my belt makes fly high. Even thou there is a national swimmer who got 10 gold medals in a night. (open my jaw wide) I know, she is the best of all.
But I am super happy and contented on my achievement. Haha~ and I can sleep in peace.

Anyway, for a normal person, he or she may feel stress out and dying to make the week disappear or something. But for me, I felt so occupied and full. Which i think, 'live life to the max' came into my mind. I am glad that I had a busy week which I quite enjoy the process. Earlier on the semester, actually I did nothing much.


Anyhow, gotta study for tomorrow's exam.

Night people

Something that triggers my mind

I was talking to Ruth, a close friend of mine yesterday night. I realized i have changed a lot since last year's Raya. I used to be very patient, tolerance and nice. (at least it is what i fell) But the problem is I miss the old happy, cheerful and a nice me. I want myself back. I became very defensive since last year.

I still remember I don't hate anyone during my Form 6 days. I love being with my friends. I love school but not class. Haha~ And I still remember one thing, I used to pray to God every single moment back then. I always seek for his guidance and pray for a wisdom mind and good heart.Things change when I enter varsity. I hardly pray. (stupid me right.)

But not now, I hate people who are trying to destroy my life. I become very defensive whenever people don't agree on what doing. I don't care what people say, even though I know they are trying to help me. It is because I know deep down in my heart, nothing's gonna change even thou I'm being nice.



Anyway, Ruth shared a story that is very meaningful to her, apparently, it is also very meaningful to me. And I wanna share it with you all. It is a little story from a book.

story on Stephanie Canfield,
When I was in junior high. I made a commitment to God, my parents, and myself to stay sexually pure until marriage. I made a list of character qualities I wanted in my husband. As time went on I thought I must have set my expectations too high. I didn't know any guys who had a same standards I did. Some of my friends told me this guy didn't exist!


During my senior year of high school I almost gave up on my dream to find him. I started to believe it could never happen, so I rushed ahead of God and caved into the pressure to begin a relationship (against my parents' advice). I soon experienced consequences-in my relationship with God, my friends, and my parents. God convicted me, and I surrendered my future to Him once again.


After high school I met a guy who became a good friend. Jeremiah had made a commitment not to kiss a girl until his wedding day. As our friendship grew, I came to realized he had the qualities I'd written on my list many years before. Imagine that - he did exist!


He asked to date me with the intention of marriage. With my parents' full support and peace from God we carefully began a relationship.


Our first kiss was on our wedding day, and it was so special! Waiting to express our love physically laid a strong foundation of trust for our marriage.


I wish I wouldn't have listened to my friends in believing that my standards were impossible and that i should just date. God had someone saved for me, and in His perfect timing He brought him along. I discovered that the way of purity is far better even through it required patience and a willingness to go against the flow. The outcome is worth every sacrifice and makes marriage all the sweeter.




Stephanie's husband, Jeremiah, agrees:


I told God when I was younger that I would lock all my emotions and desires to win a lady's heart in a box and that I would give Him the Key. I said i wanted Him to open this box in my heart when the right one came along. It was such a joy and thrill to give everything to Stephanie. I don't regret for one moment not "dating around." I had no past relationship scars to tell my wife about. I was saving myself for her alone.


I now get to spend the rest of my life pouring out my love on a women who has my whole heart and affection.




After reading it, I felt that I'm not alone and I'm proud of my commitment even thou my love of my life don't seem to appreciate it. Maybe I had rush everything and I think ahead of God. I had learnt my lesson.
Scar is always remind as one and it's forever. But I'm using concealer to cover it. Well, life is not that perfect as I think.
As least I know I'm blessed with many awesome people in my life. And you know who you are =)

1Cr 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I believe everything happen with a purpose, whether it is good or bad. They are here to shape a better Carey, me.

How i feel

How I wish you could feel how i feel. 

Some said letting go can heal everything. But it ain't easy. 

What if I dare to voice out what I think it's right.

Some people are just too scare to stand up what's right but rather follow. 

But at the other side, still talks about how they feel unfair. 

This is hypocrite or what.

Yes, I know this is childish if I voice up what's right or wrong.

But this is me. I do not like to be in the adult's world. 

It's so freaking complicated and selfishness is darn common.

And they kill people life.

Fuck off if you wanna judge me while some of you are hypocrites. 

What if i like to do things that some of you may think it's bad, as long as it makes me feel better.

I rather do it then sitting in my room feeling sorrow and empty.

Rather standing strong.

This piece is my all time favorite. Well composed.
Worth listening too

//Blind by lifehouse//

Varsity - The next chapter

Checking in to 12th college in 8 hours time. 

I hate cleaning room and moving my stuff every semester.

Just imagine you have to move your stuff in and out, in and out for 6 times in your entire varsity life.

Simply sucks.

Even worst, my rommie doesn't got a place in college.

Means I need to stay with another girl.

Gosh! I need to pray hard for a nice girl.

If not, ...........

How i wish i could just stay in a room for my entire Uni life. 

//Only in my dream I know//

By the way, I just got an offer working as a part time piano teacher in Giza Plaza, Kota Damansara.

And the best thing is, The boss is a Christian. He is from Ipoh also.

AND he is a Michaelian too!!!!!!

I can't believe all of that when we found out that we have so much in common.

Hope I will have great time teaching and enjoy all the coming experiences.

Will be staring work in the coming saturday.

Hehe~ means I got $$

=p =p

Cause I already have stuffs aiming in my mind. 

bleak bleak~

Just hope I could survive long enough thou.

okie, good night people.

great days ahead.

wish me luck!